Dude Looks Like A Lady
by sadjksaje3u432984
Summary: Ed ate something he shouldn't, so now he thinks he's a girl, and Roy is his boyfriend! [Fans and haters read new chapter]
1. OMG WTF

Hiya everyone! This story is a project made by two girls, me, and my friend Alex! Alex's account name is Alpoptart, so if your currently enjoying her story **Dead Love **and want to read the 2nd chapter, then you MUST bug her. She is very lazy, and she has most of chapter 2 done, but she wont get itdone because she needs motavation!

Anyways, basicly, how this story works, is one of us write about a paragraph, then the other person writes the next. The other person has no say so in what the other puts, sothe story line can get really weird and change.You guys can probaly tell my paragraphs form hers, we have very different writing styles.

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**Chapter 1 : OMG WTF?**

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It was a normal day in the office of Roy Mustang. He was pretending to be doing work when really all that clouded his mind was the thoughts and images of the chick he banged last night. He quietly thought to himself what the rash, that started to irritate him, was. He was thrust out of concentration by the weird, sickening image that was now in his line of sight. Full Metal was standing there in a polka dotted dress, with a big red purse and shoes to match.

"The hell?" Roy said out loud. Ed just gave a big smile and even gave his ass a little shake for good measure. "Teehee!" Ed giggled as he walked up to Roy's desk. "How are you doing today, sugar!" He asked in a high pitched voice. This voice made Roy's neck hair stand on end. Roy examined Ed for a second. The fact that the dress actually gave Ed a really feminine figure made Roy blush.

Ed didn't seem to notice that Roy was getting flustered. He just continued into the room without a second thought. It was awkward to Roy how Ed didn't seem to care that he was in a dress and actually good looking. The dress clung to his body in a provocative way that made Roy blush harder. Ed's hair was down and curled. He even wore a little make up. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING WEARING THAT?" yelled Roy. "IT'S AGAINST THE DRESS REGULATIONS!"

Ed gave a little pouty face. "But it was on sale!" He complained. "Besides, I look great in it!" Well, Roy couldn't disagree with him. Hell, Ed looked more girly the most of the girls in Central. The only question that remained was why the hell was he wearing that shit in the first place? Forget regulations, it was just plain… gay!

Ed finally stated, "I just wanted to see how it felt to be a girl for one day!" "I mean, I thought you knew I was…was….gay", he added. Roy's jaw dropped all the way to hell. What was he supposed to answer to that? He was completely speechless. His attention was brought back to the blonde by a giggling noise. Ed was standing there with his hand up to his mouth giggling like a little girl. It just made Roy see Ed as more of a girl. "You mean you didn't know?" Ed said in a surprised voice.

Didn't know? How the hell could he know? Last time he checked, Ed was always fond of Winry! "When did you turn gay?" Roy asked while blushing. Ed gave a bigger smile, if that was even possible. "Ever since the day I saw you, silly! Teehee!"

Roy was taken aback. He now knew that he was even redder than an apple. How the hell was he supposed to get out of this one? His usual cool demeanor was shattered by a simple cross-dressing alchemist. Damn it! He was Roy Mustang! The man all the women liked. Yet now he was deer caught in a car's headlights. He didn't realize that Ed was advancing on him until he heard him walking over. Not walking but gliding over. The look on his face was hungry. All that was on Roy's mind was how the dress was riding up Ed's thighs.

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Can you tell which ones are mine?

Lol. Yea, it was 2 AM when we made this. Anyways, this isn't going to be stopping us form our current stories (mine **Take It All Away, **hers **Dead Love)**

So don't worry, this is just something we make when we have spare time. I'm gonna go finish chapter 9... while you people need to tell Alex to stop being lazy if your reading her current story :(

R&R! KTHXBYE!


	2. Its not what it looks like

_Hey everyone! _Yea, chapter 2 is up early. We hadn't actually planned to write one this soon, but its amazing what bordome will do to a person ;D

We both thank all of you for the reviews, even if some of them were negative. Although We'd love to reply to them all, we can't on this chapter but we will on the next. Thanks!

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**Chapter 2 : It's not what you think...**_  
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Bad thought, bad thought_. Roy mental kicked himself for ever thinking that about the demented alchemist in front of him. Ed was about to reach him when he accidentally tripped on the hem of the dress. He awkwardly fell onto Roy's lap and between his legs. Roy turned about ten shades red when he felt Ed fall on him. After Ed pushed himself up he pinched Roy's flushing cheeks and said in a high pitched girly voice, "Awwww! Aren't you cute when you blush?"

Roy's brain finally registered what was going on. "Gah! Get off!" Roy said while trying to get Ed off of him. Ed didn't move, which in turn made the chair give way and topple over. "Ouch!" Roy groaned. When he opened his eyes, Ed was STILL on top of him. "Get off of me, NOW!" Roy practically yelled. Just then, the door flew open, and there stood First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye.

Riza blinked once and sighed. "Sir, please restrain your bimbo's until after working hours." She said. The girl in question turned around to stare at Riza. _The girl looks_ _oddly familiar_, thought Riza. Then it hit her like a brick. The girl was really Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist. She immediately yelled at them both. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?" "ED ARE YOU CROSSDRESSING?" She couldn't hide the disgust in her voice. Who wouldn't be? By the looks of things it was a big disgusting surprise seeing Ed, in a dress no less, on top of the Lieutenant, while the Lieutenant had his arm wrapped around the younger boy's waist.

"ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Roy stammered. He then roughly pushed Ed off of him, receiving a whimper from the young blond. "Why do you gotta be sooo mean?" Ed said, his voice sounding like he was about to cry. Roy ignored him as he stood and straightened his uniform. He looked over to se Riza still struck stupefied. "What the hell is going on?" She yelled again. Just then, Ed stood by her, looking up at her, with a questionable look in his eyes. "Hmm!" Ed murmured loudly. Riza raised a brow. "What?"

Ed smiled brightly and stated, "I have some crème to take care of those dirty pores of yours and also some excellent conditioner for your split ends." He jumped up and down excitedly. Then he giggled. Riza was enraged.  
"FOR YOUR INFORMATION I HAVE PERFECTLY SHINY, BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" she yelled loudly.  
"Please, girlfriend." Ed then grabs a hunk of his hair and shoves it in Riza's face. "This is the way hair is meant to be. It's shiny and smooth." He calmly stated. With that said he wrapped his arm in Riza's and began discussing the ways to make her skin shine.

Roy took advantage of Riza and Ed debating over hair. He quickly crept out of the room, and then ran down the hall way to find Havoc. He busted into the room, almost taking the door off of its hinges. "OHMYFUCKGODEDISCROSSDRESSINGANDOHMYGODVIOLATED!" Roy screamed. Fury stopped in the middle of carrying a stack of papers and stared at Roy.

"What?" He asked. This is when Roy noticed that Fury was the only one in the room. "FURY!" He yelled while grabbing him, making Fury drop the stack of papers he was holding. "OH MY GOD! SWEET JESUS! HELP ME!" Fury winced at his loud voice. "Sir, what's the problem?" He asked, only to see Roy staring at something on the ground. Fury followed his gaze, and saw a picture of Havoc on the floor, with little pink hearts drawn on it. "Oh!" Fury said quickly while grabbing the picture. "T-this isn't mine!" He sputtered while shoving it in his pocket. "Now, what did you need help with?" Fury said while blushing, trying to change the subject. Roy blinked, and then walked out of the room. "GOD HELP ME!" Fury heard Roy yell in the distance.

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Yea... the next chapter will explain why Ed is acting this way... or it was SUPOSSED to, but I made the lat two paragraphs...and... well lets just say thats a big plot change! R&R! 


	3. IT BURNS!

Ok, uhm. Me and Alex made this differently. Instead of going to either her house or mine, we were up at 4AM writing this via MSN chat. It was a totaly different way to write, so there might be a few errors! Alas, I am far too lazy to go and fix them... Oh well, enjoy!

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**Chapter 3 : IT BURNS!**

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Fury listened to Roy run of screaming something about the Apocalypse or something weird. His mind started to wander to how Havoc would look in the shower. His face became redder as he thought on. He picked up the rest of the papers and went back to work.

Roy ran down the hall, coming to a stop when he reached his office again. He quietly peeked in to see if the 'women' were still discussing hair. He saw that no one was in there and relaxed a bit. He walked in and as he passed the door way, the said door swung shut. "WHAT THE HELL?", Roy screamed when he saw Ed standing there in garters and a bra. Roy screamed bloody murder. When will this nightmare ever end?

Roy blushed about ten shades of red and quickly covered his face with his hands. "GAH! IT BURNS! IT BUUURRNS!" He screamed while shaking his head. The sound of Ed giggling brought him back to look at him. "Oh you're so silly, Roy!" Ed squealed. "Now come over here and help me take this bra off! Bra's are such a pain in the ass…"

Roy could only stare with his mouth gapped open. Was he the only sane one here? "EDWARD ELRIC!" Roy yelled, "YOU'RE A MAN. MEN DON'T WEAR PRETTY, LACEY BRA'S AND PANTIES." Ed just looked at him confused and a little hurt. "A man?" He replied, his voice cracking, "I know I may not look _that_ pretty, but that's mean! I'm a girl!"

'What hellish world did I get sucked into' thought Roy. "YOU ARE A FUCKING MAN ED, NOT A GIRL!" Roy yelled at the top of his lungs. Ed all but ignored the older man. He started taking off the bra himself, knowing Roy wouldn't help him. As soon as he got it off Al burst in the room. "OH MY GOD ROY? WHERE IS ED?" Al said in that annoying, high pitched, screeching voice of his. Roy pointed at the said person. Ed was now struggling with the garters.

Al saw the complete and udder horror on Roy's face. Roy covered his eyes with the closest thing next to him. That thing happened to be the bra. He grabbed it and covered his now painfully burning eyes. Al stepped in front of Ed to hide the indecency of Ed's body. Roy screamed when he saw what he had grasped in his hands. He saw that Al was now covering up the naked Elric. But the relax-ness ended when Ed stepped easily away from behind Al. He walked up to the now pale as chalk Roy, smiling seductively. Roy's mind had enough. He fainted right there.

"_Holy shit_!" thought Al, "_I fucking got here to god damn fucking late! Fuck, fuck, fuck!_" He bent down next to passed out Roy, only to recoil when he saw Roy starting to foam at the mouth. "_Oh, EW!_" Al thought. "_That's so fucking gross, but I gotta act Mr. nice guy and help this fucker…_" He bent back down and started to shake him. "Colonel, can you hear me? Please wake up!" He pleaded. "_Wake up before I barf…_" He mentally added.  
"OMIGOSH WHATS WRONG WITH ROOOY?" Ed shrieked, tears threatening to spill. "It's ok," Al said,"He just fainted." Al then grabbed a book off of Roy's desk and slapped him across the face.

"WAKE UP DAMNIT!" Al yelled while slapping Roy senseless. Roy unfortunately woke up on the first slap and was now just getting a beating. '_Why the hell am I getting punished?_' he miserably thought. Al noticed that he was finally awake. '_For fucks sake! I just beat my crazy brother's boss with a book, now I have to watch a grown man cry. And I STILL have to tell Roy about the poisoned food Ed ate from thas cheap ass restaurant ,I clearly said not to eat at, that was filthy and covered with roaches_'. Al grimaced and took a breath to tell Roy, but before he could a blonde attached himself to Roy. Still naked.

"Roy!" Ed said in a screeching voice that could be compared to a fat kid chasing a speeding Ice Cream truck, "THANK HEAVENS YOU'RE ALRIGHT!" Roy thought he was about to faint again, but luckily for him, Al grabbed Ed. "Ed, you can't jump on people when you're naked, it's no polite!" Al scowled. He put Ed down, and Ed went to put his clothes back on. Al glanced back down at Roy, who looked like he might die at any moment. "_Ah, that poor fucker._" Al thought as he extended his hand out to Roy. "Al, what the in the fuck hoe shit is going on?" Roy exclaimed as Al pulled him to his feet. Al scratched the back of his head and gave a nervous giggle. "Funny story…" he started. "Ed thinks he's a girl and…you're his boy friend."

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...eehehehe. Well, it's short, but We'll update soon! I think this is one of the funyyest chapters! Yea, thats what you get for staying up till 4AM!

Review!

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	4. Fat Mo's!

Just so you people know, I KNOW Al doesn't cuss like that! Incase you haven't NOTICED, Al is only cussing in his MIND! whee! Not only that, but this story is purely for fun, so some things are going to be out of character. Also, I looked back on chapter 3... lot of typos. Oh well, since this is a goof off story me and AlPoptart are working on, I dont feel like fixing em. Thanks for the reviews!

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**Chapter 4 : Fat Mo's!**

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**Roy practically fell off the desk when he heard what Al had told him. "Oh my fucking god! God hates me! He hates me to hell!" Roy considered forlornly. Roy rubbed his now throbbing temples. "Al, stop stuttering and just tell me what the hell is wrong with Full Metal!" Roy demanded.

"Well it happened last night…"

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**-FLASHBACK!-**

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**Ed and Al walked quickly down a back alley street trying to find some place to eat. Al saw a billboard that had a picture of sushi on it. "Brother, I see a place across the street." Al suggested. But Ed was already wondering over to a building that had _FAT MOES_ on the front of it. He filled with giddiness. "Why don't we eat here?" Ed asked. Al looked at the place as they walked in. _'I have this bad feeling about this hell-hole._' Al thought.

There were flies buzzing about as they walked up to order. "Let's see what they got here…" Ed mumbled. While Ed was thinking about what to order, Al was reading the score on the restaurant's Health Inspection. _Health Score: -20_ Al read.

"Brother!" Al said, "I don't think we should eat here! Look at the health score!"

Ed ignored him and started to place his order. "I'll have a Fat Mo Junior Burger with a side of those Mc. Fatty Fat Fat fries!" Ed said while slapping money down onto the counter top.

A hairy chubby hand quickly grabbed the money like a fat person would grab the last bag of chips on the shelf. The owner's beady eyes were almost engulfed with blubbery fat. As he put the money in the register his man boobs (which were bigger than Brittney Spears and saggier) jiggled. Al almost barfed when the man sneezed in his hand and gave Ed his change all snotty and gooey. Al quickly stepped up and told the owner he could keep the change.

They quickly found a table, that just so happened to be right next to the bathroom. Al had to crush cock roaches as Ed ate. The food didn't look the least bit edible. For one thing, he couldn't tell which one was the fries and which one was the burger, they both looked like dog shit on a plate. Al was glad he was bodiless; looking at Ed happily munch away at that crap would have surely made him gag if he had his body.

When Al didn't think he could take the nauseating eating any more Ed finished and they left. They walked back to the dorms in silence, stopping occasionally for Ed to barf. When they got in the dorm Ed immediately ran straight to the bathroom and stayed in there for quite a while. When he came out his whole complexion seemed off. Ed said he was going to go get some beauty sleep. Al couldn't help feel a sense of doom come over his metal body.

When Al awoke, he looked and saw Ed was not in bed. He ran out to find his missing brother. He found Ed but had a hard time noticing him with his hair in curls. He was looking at a dress store.

When he was done looking he went in. Al noticed Ed didn't see him, so he secretly followed. Ed was buying a red polka-dotted dress. Al thought this was really weird. He almost had shit himself (If he had a body). Ed was wearing make up and his skin was all shiny. Al really thought he looked liked a chick. Damn that's just messed up. He saw Ed run into the bathroom and when he came back out he had on the dress. "Brother!" Al said as he spotted Ed. "What are you doing wearing that?" Al panicky asked. "I'm wearing it to meet Roy, teehee!" Ed said. "I need a good outfit to get laid tonight!" He sighed dreamily.

Get laid? What the hell! "Brother, what do you mean?" Al practically yelled. "You hate Roy! Plus, you're a boy!" Ed blinked once then gave a rather girly laugh. "Oh Al, you are so cute!" Ed said. "Roy is my boyfriend, and I am certainly not a boy!" Ed then powdered his nose and then blew on his perfectly manicured nails. "Anyway, I'm off to see Roy, chow darling!" Al could only stand in shock as he watched his bother leave.

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**End of flash back!**

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**Al grinned sheepishly as Roy's eyes went wide. He looked over at Ed, standing next to Al. Ed smiled evilly. Roy didn't like that smile. It looked like a smile Michael Jackson would have seeing little boys at the swimming pool.

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Yea, its 3AM, at Alex's house. Our funny brain isn't working too good right now. This chappter isn't that funny, but I think its alright... Also, Alpoptart just had to add that Micheal Jackson joke! But I think its funny... but then again, I have a wierd sence of humor. Sorry to those who like that pedophile! 

By the way, over here, there really is a resteraunt called Fat Mo's. The burger name is really called a fat mo juinor burger, but the frie's name I just made up XD

Want to review? Yay!


	5. Herpes!

Wow, a very late update. I made this at Alex's(Alpoptart) house, yep! We had fun with this one.

Well, a little update on my computer delima : It's still a big problem! I'm NOT going on hiatus, but updates will not be every other day anymore, but more like a week or so. Sorry!

... Did I mention that this fic is rated M? Well it is. And this chapter proves it.

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Roy went over the information in his head. '_Ed…food poisoning…think girl…me…boyfriend_'. All of that seemed to add up but there was one piece of information left out. Ed said he was gay. Roy looked in horror at the smile Ed produced. A smile that said everything. A smile that said "hunger". Ed was at the age where his hormones were at high. Roy shuttered at the thought of what that would make Ed capable of. 

Ahhh… Roy remembered that age very well. Looking at porn magazines, masturbating every chance he got, and grabbing every piece of woman flesh in reach like a baby. Roy looked at Ed. He realized Ed couldn't use his right hand unless he wants Winry fix him up with a new mechanical "part". That's what probably drove Ed to the other team. Now Royunderstood why Ed was hatching this plan. But no matter how sorry he felt for Ed he didn't need Ed staring at him like starved African kid.

Roy abruptly pointed his index finger at Ed. "You're lying!" He said with triumph. Yea, you can't lie to the Great Roy Mustang, damn it! Ed's eyes went serious for a second. "_Damn, he knows!" _ Ed thought.

"Lying? What do you mean, Colonel?" Al asked in his innocent voice.  
"Your brother isn't sick from food poisoning, he's just gay!"

Ed knew this wasn't good, so he decided to test his acting skills. "G-gay?" Ed said with his lower lip quivering. "That is so mean! I am not a lesbian! How could you say such a hurtful thing?" Ed then clasped his hands over his eyes and started to sob.

"_Damn it, I don't need to see my brother cry like a fucking girl who just found out that those bumps weren't bug bites, but really genital herpes!" _Al thought bitterly. He placed his hand on his brother's shoulder to comfort him, then turned to Roy.

"Look what you've done! Don't make him cry!" Al shouted.

Roy was slightly taken aback. He looked down to see Ed give an evil smirk under his fingers. Roy couldn't believe it! Roy knew that he could only see the evil smirk, and Ed was playing every one like a fool. "What? He told me he was g-"

Ed then sobbed louder and started blubbering words that no one could make out. "MEN ARE ALL PIGS! THIS IS JUST HIS SICK WAY OF DUMPING ME!" Ed wailed. Everyone shot Roy a dirty look. "Colonel, please, be nice. Just play along until we can fix this!" Al said. Roy knew there was no way to prove his innocents and that Ed was really just fucking with everyone. Roy quickly formed a plan. He sighed in defeat, and placed his hands on the desk. "Alright, fine. Why don't you guys leave for a minute while I apologize to Ed?" He asked, waiting for everyone to leave so he could get to the bottom of this hoax.

When every one walked out of the room Ed quickly jumped on Roy's lap. Roy gasped a little then proceeded to talk to Ed. "What the hell do you think your doing?" Roy whispered.

"Well honey poo, I decided to hide the fact I'm gay by screwing with everyone's mind." Ed said triumphantly. "They all seemed to eating it up."

"Well you can't fool me, food poisoning doesn't last that long." Roy declared. Ed just laughed sweetly.  
"Well, you're the only one." Ed said suggestively. _I could have some fun with this_, Ed thought. Ed nuzzled his face in the nape of Roy's neck. "You'll just have to wait for some more later, I got things to do, sweety." With that Ed kissed Roy on the lips for a few seconds and left. Roy sat there yet again dumbfounded.

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Man, wtf? Poor Roy, the only sane and in character here.

Er...

Flames are totaly understandable!


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